Stop Searching: Find Peace

I was riding the subte today and I saw a big poster advertising a book… I don’t remember the exact title, but it basically said “stop searching, find peace.” I haven’t read this book, so I don’t really know what it’s about, but the title prompted pondering.

On one hand, they’re right. I identify with that statement: I find myself always thinking about the future, wondering about what’s next, dreaming, moving, wanting, waiting. I’ve got a busy head. I think about things (and obsess about things) and it keeps me mentally occupied (especially when I’m pondering life at 3am). I wouldn’t say it’s really “peaceful” inside my head. What if I really could stop searching? What if my head just stopped churning around and around and was quiet? That does sound kind of peaceful.

On the other hand, that also sounds suspiciously to me like an invitation to stop thinking and become stagnant. I think it can be easy to decide at some point that you simply accept your position in life, settle in and stop moving. That’s why people stay in dead-end jobs, boring towns, and bland relationships. They don’t have motivation to make changes. Life isn’t bad; it isn’t good. They’re peaceful. It just is.

I definitely believe there is value in being a peaceful person. It would be frightening if everyone’s head was full of the same thoughts as mine. I appreciate my calming, peaceful friends because I certainly need them.

However, I’m proud to be a searcher myself. I actually am grateful for my own discontent in many ways. It’s carried me to Argentina, it’s motivated me, it’s inspired me, and it keeps my head full of interesting things. It seems to me that depending on how you look at that particular characteristic, it can be either an incredible, motivating force or a difficult, frustrating feeling. For me, I’m grateful for my busy head (aside from those 3am moments) and I appreciate the thirst for improvement, the desire to discover, the search for meaning and interest.

I do hope to someday find a little place in the world and settle in. It would be nice to be more peaceful at some point, yet I don’t ever want to be complacent or stale. I never ever want to give up dreaming, thinking, pondering. To me those items are far too valuable, even if they cost me some sleep.

Life is like Step Aerobics (I'm serious!)

Yesterday I went to step aerobics, at my gym: the ostentatious Megatlon. I’ve been attending this class since about January. On my first day I stood there helplessly watching whirling Argentines dance around me. Background: I’ve been doing step aerobics for about 13 years now. I generally don’t claim to be good a physical activities (especially not sports-related activities) however I’m good at step aerobics. In the US I can walk into a class and generally follow it. I managed to accomplish step classes in Spain. I was expecting Argentina to be similar… but it’s not.

Step aerobics here involves hip movement, rhythm, coordination and multiple dizzying turns and twists. Also, no one calls out the movements for you. Sorry, honey, but you’ve got to just remember them all. You get combo numbers: an “Uno!” or a “Dos!” or a “Tres!” screamed and you better know what to do.

The best thing about the step classes, though, is the comradery. Although I might not be the best stepper, I’m part of a group that doesn’t require me to speak. For that little moment, I’m equal with all the other tripping, twirling, gyrating Argentines. Another lovely thing about step class is that Argentines also cheer for their step instructor (Claudio) when he does something interesting. It’s phenomenal. Little twist, new, cool step and you’ve got clapping and “eehhh!!”

I started out pretty awful at Argentine step aerobics. But I’m getting better. Each class I manage to turn just a few more times (in the right direction) and I am able to bumble my way to the end now (more or less).

So why am I blogging about step aerobics, anyhoo? Because in order to get a combination right, you have to just keep trying. You get it wrong the first time. You try again. You miss a step, skip it and try to jump back in where you can. Maybe I missed the entire combo “Uno!” but I recognized the first few steps of “Dos!” and I’m back in the game again. And each time I stumble my way through a combo, I do something just a little more right. Maybe I forget a few steps, but I’ll catch up if I just keep going. The important part is to not give up; don’t stop trying; don’t stop moving. Because as soon as you stand still: that’s it. You’ll never get it right.

Life is like that. My entire Argentine experience is like that. You just keep trying. You make so many mistakes, but the only way to move forward is to keep moving, keep trying and not get stuck on the error. If you stand still, that’s it: You’ll never get it right. Who knows? You might actually start enjoying it. Eeehh!

Bad Spanish Day

Yes, that’s what I said. A bad Spanish day. These things happen. It’s part of the expat life...

I was trying to explain a relatively simple request at work and I had a confused Argentine looking at me like I had horns growing out of my ears. Thankfully, someone else understood, but remarked that the reason my first request was unsuccessful was because I had asked in a slightly idiotic way. At which point I wanted to throw something at someone’s head. Both men were appealing targets.

I’m irritated. Seriously, every day I try all day long to get people to understand me. I subject myself to being criticized, stared at, laughed at, embarrassed and ignored. EVERY DAY.

This particular day, today, I’m just a little frustrated. It’s all making me tired. I’m feeling like my desire to keep making an effort is running a bit dry. Guess what, though? I’m gonna wake up tomorrow and give it another go. And if I keep trying long enough maybe someday I’ll be able to express myself in a fabulously eloquent manner and people will marvel at what a clever, charming, intelligent woman I am. Or maybe they just won’t laugh at me. I’ll take either scenario.

Gallivanting About

Home. After a few weeks of big adventures, I’ve finally settled back into my home. It’s kind of amazing that this strange little spot carries that label for me, but absolutely true. I love taking a vacation and feeling grateful to return home. That’s how you know it was a good break: you create fabulous memories and have wonderful experiences and you distance yourself just enough from “real life” that you can return and actually want to do it again.

So what was I up to anyway? Well…

Parents

My parents came to visit for 3 weeks. We walked a lot, we talked a lot, and we really ate a lot. It was phenomenal to have the opportunity to share my little home with them. My expat life is very different, and I loved showing it off. Now they understand when I talk about how ham is a condiment in Argentina and the taxi drivers are crazy and they play bad 80’s music and my shoes have holes in them.

Iguazu

Gorgeous, spectacular waterfalls. Despite sweltering weather and a snooty hotel the falls were amazing and I will never forget the views. Really, I don’t think I can describe it, so I’ll just say WOW!

Cariló

This could be my favorite part of the whole trip. We spent 3 days being lazy and content at a quaint little seaside village. They had pine trees, phenomenal shopping and crisp ocean air. Dad learned how to use an Argentine bar-b-que and we sat around playing cards and chatting. That weekend is a memory I can cuddle up with on rainy cold lonely days: those moments hold warmth and love for me.

Buenos Aires, of course!

Where do I even start? Browsing street vendors at the fair in San Telmo, wandering through the vast Recoleta Cemetery, peeking into museums, walking through Palermo’s gardens, Mom getting an eye infection and wearing a patch, having trouble finding apartments, finally finding something perfect, shopping, eating, laughing, drinking. And now they know. This is my home: big, rowdy, chic, bustling and always interesting.

Who’s next? Come visit me!